CHUCKING A LASSOO ROUND THE MOON AND DRAGGING IT DOWN TO THE EMIRATES
About a month ago, top Arsenal suit, Ivan Gazidis, was banging on about how he'd won the lottery and he was going to sign Wayne Rooney and Gonzalo Higuaín and Marouane Fellaini and Katie Hopkins and Andy Murray and, and, and, and he was going to get Gunnersaurus a shiny new suit and he was going to build a time machine and go back 10 years to fetch Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira, Robert Pires and Dennis Bergkamp and then he was going to go back another 65 million years to get Gunnersaurus a Gunnersaurusette. He had dreams, did Ivan the Ambitious. Gone were the days of settling for the likes of Gervinho and Olivier Giroud, Arsenal were going to reach for the stars, and chuck a lassoo round the moon and drag it down to the Emirates for good measure.
Fast forward a few weeks and it seems that things aren't quite going to plan. For a start, Emirates staff have been worried about the bangs and blasts and strong smell of smoke emerging from the boardroom, where Gazidis, armed with instructions, a screwdriver and a bag of nails, has been trying to work out how to put together the time machine he purchased for £300 off a keen buyer on eBay. But no matter how many times he's turned the blasted thing off and then on again and then off and then on again and then threatened it with reprisals unless it starts working this instant and then begged it to start and then turned it off and then on again and then finally settled on attacking it with a large stick in the style of Basil Fawlty – he would have used a trophy if one had been handy but this is the Arsenal boardroom – he's had no joy.
What a letdown. No 2003-era Henry and no Gunnersauruesette for Gunnersaurus, who just wants to be loved. He's so very lonely. And while all of this has been going on, Gazidis, his eye very much off the ball, hasn't been able to excel at the job at which he excels: negotiating in the transfer market. As far as the Fiver can tell, Arsenal were meant to have been unveiling Higuaín by now given that they've already agreed terms with the striker, but there's been no unveiling and now it seems there's a danger that it won't happen at all. Tactically speaking, Arsenal's tactical response has been to lodge a £30m bid for loveable, misunderstood Luis Suárez, an offer which Liverpool, calling upon the famous Scouse sense of humour, have laughed out of town. Oh Ivan! Oh Arsenal! You'd better get a move on, there's only so much more of this Arsène Wenger will allow before he starts to wonder whether signing Carlton Cole on a free would represent better value.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It is no different to what we had before. Graham [Carr] comes up with one or two suggestions, I come up with one or two suggestions and we probably have a list of four that will take the team forward. We present that to Joe [Kinnear] and Joe presents that to the owner" – Alan Pardew reveals what the Fiver already knew: Postman Pat was probably better qualified to be Newcastle's director of football.
FIVER LETTERS
"I would like to take issue with your suggestion that giant face-painted prig rocker Fish from Marillion would front a rescue of Hearts (Friday's Fiver). As my fellow 1,056 pedants and I know, Fish, Derek Dick to his mother, is a staunch Hibs man. Perhaps you are confusing him with pint-sized light entertainer Ronnie Corbett" – Alistair Smith.
"I'm quite concerned by the Fiver's admission that it picked up the phone and interviewed someone regarding the sale of Hearts (Friday's Fiver). Is this the beginning of the Fiver's START JOURNALISM campaign? Given the lack of success of the interminable STOP FOOTBALL/STOP EVERYTHING movements, I suspect that I know how the START program will end. And perhaps more quickly than usual" – Mike Wilner.
"Given that Arsenal have signed Yaya (not Touré) Sanogo, are about to sign Gonzalo Higuaín, are trying to sign Wayne Rooney and Luis Suárez (today's Big Paper), it may be worth asking 'if you gave an infinite number of Arsène Wengers an infinite amount of time and an infinite number of £50 notes whether he would eventually come up with a defensive midfielder?'" – Noble Francis.
"Might one enquire as to which of the feckless staff at Fiver Towers Steven Lawson currently has by the nuts in order to get the same letter published twice in 10 days and be awarded the prizeless letter of the day prize on both occasions? I mean, it couldn't possibly be that in the aftermath of a TGIF celebration, you couldn't remember your own names let alone some Scotsman's, right?" – Barry Etheridge (and 1,056 others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Ste … erm, Alistair Smith.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
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BITS AND BOBS
After just 30 days in charge at troubled CSKA Sofia, USA 94's Hristo Stoichkov has done a Steve Coppell. "I'm fed up, I'm leaving," he growled. "I agreed to start coaching without a contract and I had a great desire to help. We endured until it became clear there's no chance of promises being fulfilled."
Former Newcastle United striker Nile Ranger has been charged with r@pe over an alleged incident at a hotel in the Jesmond area of the city in January.
Roberto Mártinez has started his Wiganisation of Everton by signing striker Arouna Koné for £6.5m.
And in the big news of the day, Manchester United have agreed a deal with Aeroflot to be their new flight partner. "I was made aware by the previous manager that we have a lot of sponsorship and there would be events to attend," whooped a clearly thrilled David Moyes.
STILL WANT MORE?
The Fiver's comfortable-getting-naked-in-public, trilingual, funny-because-he-isn't-funny, stupidly healthy Swedish cousin, Flatpack Fiver, wasn't available to write a blog on the Women's Euro 2013 tournament. So Marcus Christenson rounded up some Proper European Journalists to do it instead.
Is Edin Dzeko taking his hulking torso and heavy first-touch to Atlético Madrid? It's the Rumour Mill.
And 'Arry Redknapp is right when he says England don't know how to play football, reckons Paul Wilson. Which makes his decision to bring in Schecond Schoice Schteve as his QPR assistant seem a bit radical.
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